Goodbye

I've started posts several times over the last few days.  This is definitely one of the few times in my life that I haven't had anything to say.  It's not that I don't want to share or talk about what's going on.  It's that I feel so overwhelmed and emotional that I can't seem to put it into words.

A couple of days ago I spoke with a friend in town, and she compared this process to mourning a death.  That's the closest comparison I can come up with for what I'm feeling.  I will miss our home.  I'm not talking about our physical house.  I still think that will be fine.  I will miss our mountain and the many traditions and memories that revolve around it.

My Mom has been wonderful.  I feel so grateful to have someone willing to do anything to help.  But I still can't get it out.  I feel the need to keep it all together so that my children won't freak out, but the stress of keeping it all in is wearing on me.  The cracks in my armor are starting to appear, and I don't know how to stop them.

When we got the pre-evacuation notice a few days ago, we already had a plan in place.  My grandparents did not want to evacuate and they were firm on that.  Neither Rodger or I thought that we should leave them alone.  I wanted to stay with them so that Rodger would be able to keep working and not use his vacation time.  But Rodger was adamant that he would not be leaving his wife or his elderly grandparents in the path of the states 2nd largest fire in history, no matter how prepared we were. 

So the boys and I were packed and ready to head to the valley, and Rodger was packed and ready to head over to Grandma and Grandpa's house.  Honestly we didn't think the notice would ever come.  I know many of us talked about it in town for days ahead.  We are in the grasslands, pinion and juniper don't burn the same way as the forest.  When the order actually came I was ready, but stunned.

Knowing logically that I would go and they would stay didn't prepare me for the panic I felt in leaving my loved ones behind.  As I drove out of town I couldn't believe that I had left my best-friend and grandparents in the path of this:

I was a mess all last night, and most of today.  I feel brittle and the cracks have been getting bigger.  Keeping everything inside does not seem to be helping me cope.

Today the news has been better, and I can breathe a little easier.  No pun intended.  I know that my very capable sweetheart will take care of Grandma and Grandpa, and that he will get them and our livestock out if he can see, "the whites of it's eyes," so to speak.  But not being able to judge things for myself or talk with him as much is really tough. 

I really do want to talk and spend time with all of you.  Thank you for your calls and messages, your concern truly helps ease the ache of this loss.  I'm just not very good company right now, and I can't seem to focus on anything else.  It's taking all I have to keep things normal for the boys, and helping them to not worry.  I just wish I could take my own advice.

It's been a good day for the fight, and make no mistake, it's a battle.  The wind has finally calmed a bit, and they were able to make good progress on the back burns and fire lines.  I have hope that Rodger and I will be together again soon, honestly that's all that matters.  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.